The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
You Might Also Like
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet
Note to self: I am a note
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
milne: it’s stuffed animals, but they’re so f**king dumb
publisher: what?
milne: the tiger can’t spell
publisher: no
milne: the bear won’t wear pants
publisher: *getting up* this is terrible
milne: there’s a depressed donkey
publisher: *sitting back down* …how depressed?
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip