The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
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3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Van Gone
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
Education is vital
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
Cake hits so much harder off a plastic fork.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.