The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
You Might Also Like
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
People who think all witches are women and all doctors are men must be really confused by witch doctors
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.