The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
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Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭