One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
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Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
? 💀
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price