The next time someone does one of those ‘write a 3 word horror story’ competitions, I’m going to enter this picture.
You Might Also Like
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
May have had one breakfast too many
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?