The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
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this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
Me: Head shoulders knees & toes
Doctor: ok no problem
Me: eyes ears mouth & nose
Doctor: that’s a different guy
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden