Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.

Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?

I used Michael Bay leaves.

I’ll leave.

A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”

“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise

Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”

“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*

If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.

14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.

-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?

-Sentimental attachment.

-It just caught fire.

-Aww, just like old times.

If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.

The legends speak of a third Duran…

If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.

I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.

*ignores high blood pressure*

Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries

“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.

“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.

I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.

‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms

[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.

If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.

Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment

1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively

Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and death

Me: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.

Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!

-Amish drive by

Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away

A bird: you’ve got me there

Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is

A bird: pardon

Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *

* Looking for my gloves in the shed

When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.

Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself

Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself

My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.

[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years

boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?

me: a little yes.

boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.

Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet