The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
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me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.