The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
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Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
The glory of fall.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
I watched The First Omen last night and I spent most of it hiding behind the sofa. I didn’t want my neighbour to see me in her living room.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try