the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
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Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
A short story about romance.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
He was only called Mr Pepper until he published his groundbreaking research on fizzics.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
I’m not enjoying this slow burn apocalypse… I need it over and done like a popular Netflix show
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
I’ve been single for so long I can’t even spell relionchip now
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.