The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
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*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
I’m not lazy… I just don’t have the desire to come up with a more accurate way to describe myself right now
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
every single time
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”