The next time you’re hesitant to call or email your elected official because your issue doesn’t seem important enough…
Just remember how many times they texted you begging for $5
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How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.