The next time you’re hesitant to call or email your elected official because your issue doesn’t seem important enough…
Just remember how many times they texted you begging for $5
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Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Well lets see. . . .2020: Didn’t jog. . . . .2021: Didn’t jog. . . . .2022: Didn’t jog. . . . .2023: Didn’t jog. . . . .2024: Haven’t jogged ~ This is kind of a running joke with me.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
everyone should be able to film one family Thanksgiving they can show to people to explain why they’re the way they are
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
I just want the confidence of my teen who replied “Who’s this?” to a guy who texted her after ghosting her for a month.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say