Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane

I put my pants on just like everybody else: when the police tell me to.

Reminds me of when I was young and the landscaper used to let me run bare feet over the freshly cut grass. Those days are lawn gone.

I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.

My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget

A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius

Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.

The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”

So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…

Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight

My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?

5 days of cooking sausages lol I love this story

After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.

Alien: we are here to enslave you

Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?

Alien: I SAID..

Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it

Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?

I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people

Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.

She: And yet you don’t shut up.

My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.

BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.

ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.

BOND: I’m a spy.

ME: You are bad at all parts of this.

I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.

Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.

Customer service: how can I help you?

Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh

Me: HAIL SATAN!!

Her: What?

Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.

establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’

LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!

I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.

I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.

Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.

Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.

I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.

I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th