The next time you’re hesitant to call or email your elected official because your issue doesn’t seem important enough…
Just remember how many times they texted you begging for $5
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and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Anime is real
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
Fun Things
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi