The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
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If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Choosing the correct font is crucial…
