Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?

I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.

Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*

Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*

Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.

One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.

Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.

Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is

Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.

IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.

The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages

Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:

1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving

God: you’re a giraffe.

Giraffe: why is my neck so long?

God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.

Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!

[monkey climbs a nearby tree]

Giraffe:

God: you weren’t supposed to see that.

New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.

im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes

2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:

1) escape the bathroom

2) open a beer

Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat

Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.

It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything

I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.

Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?

I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.

I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.

7: [eating a bunch]

me:

7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.

me: that’s a good way to put it.

Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.

Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step

Lao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT

The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini

I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?

[Spelling bee, to clench victory]

“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”

Judges?

(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)

Correct.

I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.

7am: *starts diet*

7pm: *eats the house*