The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
You Might Also Like
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.