The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
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Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
This is Miles. He was asked what he was doing. And explained very clearly. 13/10
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: Street magic
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.