Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.

british sex workers really pound for pound

Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.

In case you needed to hear it:

“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over

Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”

Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed

I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator

shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream

me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*

When the doctor asks about my sex life.

Brushing my daughter’s hair

Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.

I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”

[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit

My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”

I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.

Me: *driving*

My mom at every turn:

My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.

I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.

My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again

Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.

She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”

And that’s how the fight started

[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve

WIFE: Will he ever wake up?

DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it

W: i sold his pet hamster

ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE

I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.

i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict

We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.

Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?

Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.

Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.

– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:

I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.