The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
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Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
I trust my car navigation the same way I do the floor arrows in Ikea and If we end up in a lake… so be it
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow
Work is just a series of conversations reminding people of when you tried to talk to them about what they’re now surprised about
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”