The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
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My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
Basketball games are very squeaky.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
