The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
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There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
Who called it med school and not the I.V. League
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
This classic never gets old . . .
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
I miss having a cat. I used to refer to him as my roommate because it always made me laugh seeing peoples faces when I’d tell them my roommate pooped on the kitchen counter or my roommate keeps giving me dead birds.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”