The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
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Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
When squirrels chase each other around a tree it reminds me of being at the mall in seventh grade.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Me: [print]
Printer: I have to do maintenance.
Me: What? Now?
Printer: Shhh.
Me: Can you hurry up?
Printer: Alignment is a process.
Me: OMG just print my page.
Printer: I’ll print a test page.
Me: [pressing “cancel” button]
Printer:
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re out of magenta.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out