Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae

me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster

gf: you know you could have just taken a photo

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag

People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.

Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.

Me: So you’re like, standing?

[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant

I know there are bigger problems in the world right now but I’ve just realised I’ve never seen a baby seagull.

Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue

New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”

[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin

Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”

serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?

I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999

The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.

The good news: you’re one of them.

That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs

I’m not a morning person or a night person. I identify as a mid-afternoon snack.

Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends

Me: That’s not even a real number

I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar

your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go

We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.

If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.

“Would you rather be right or—“

YES

I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.

Someone told me they had beef with me and I got pissed off that it wasn’t a brisket

6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker

just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”

this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route

I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.

Like Customs, for example.

My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.

being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you