the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
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“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare