Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.

I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.

My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.

I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.

Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.

*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*

Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it

please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.

Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?

whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”

why would tinder want me to say this

yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter

Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired

“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.

The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing

Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again

[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off

I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.

Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me

Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.

I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease

professor x: tell me more, tell me more

*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!

Bank: You mean money?

*giggles*
Oh, bother…

– Pooh robbing a bank

“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”

Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄

If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person

oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman

Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.

[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try

If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.

*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?

Called in, “Let’s make this simple. What excuse haven’t I used yet?

During my annual gynecologist visit:

Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.

Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.

Gyno:

Nurse:

Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?