[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
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A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Something Saturday.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”