Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
The nice thing about getting a pet lobster is that you can always threaten to eat it when your kid stops taking care of it.
You Might Also Like
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
I almost ate that little packet in the shoe box. Good thing it said ‘do not eat’.
That was close.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
In high school, everyone called me the bus driver. Because I was the bus driver.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but u don’t love disney u just haven’t been happy since u were 11
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches