The nice thing about getting a pet lobster is that you can always threaten to eat it when your kid stops taking care of it.

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Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda


I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks


Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?


I almost ate that little packet in the shoe box. Good thing it said ‘do not eat’.

That was close.


INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha


In high school, everyone called me the bus driver. Because I was the bus driver.


i don’t know who needs to hear this but u don’t love disney u just haven’t been happy since u were 11


I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.


My pics are real.

I don’t use any filters.

I don’t even use coffee filters.

I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man


once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches