The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
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U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
no. that was two husbands ago. my great, great ex husband
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Another year of doing the same thing next to a slightly different number, nice call
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
On the face of it alcohol is so funny – you can take a potion that makes you so good at driving the government has to make it illegal