Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I hate Asian stereotypes

Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities

Seems like I missed a spectacular display of the Northern Lights yet again because unfortunately in my location the view was totally obscured by a thick layer of nice warm bedroom.

wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?

ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway

[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car

[Getting ready to go out]

Her: Is that what you’re wearing?

Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.

the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food

When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.

I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.

Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️

When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.

a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip

“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.

Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently

Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?

Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.

The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.

It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.

If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.

Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!

Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.

idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page

BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy

People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.

Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?

Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.

[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?

Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.

Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower

Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.

*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”