The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
You Might Also Like
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
I could never work in an aquarium I would have a penguin under my shirt at the end of the shift
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
😎 🍻
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Men, it’s really simple. We want everything, but nothing, at the same time or different times, sometimes but not always.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
is there nothing we can trust anymore
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
If you see a woman over 35 with her chin on her hand looking pensive, she is not deep in thought, she is trying to find that one chin hair that just suddenly appears out of nowhere and is strong enough to anchor a ship.