The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
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Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
woke up on the wrong side of the jed today