Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been following this strict diet all week & so far all I’ve lost is my patience

Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.

[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really

It’s crazy that we get one toothbrush as a kid and we have to use it once a week for the rest of our lives.

This morning around 3am:
“Wooo wooooooo woooooooooooooo”
“Woodtdtdtd Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdt Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdtd”
WTF??!?

The Border Collies figured out that the fan makes their voices sound funny if they Wooo directly through the middle, so guess what they’ve all been doing since 3am.

People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old

I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.

It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.

Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.

Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:

Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like

Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like

(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?

I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send

[Robot Uprising]

Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822

think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem

When a mom hears the words

“Mom, don’t be mad…”

We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.

Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.

I didn’t hear “to work.”

Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story

Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*

One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.

Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”

The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…

Your spouse 🤷

I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.

Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.

Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!

ㅤ

the nation is so divided we need another Cut essay to bring us together

Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.

“My safe word was Worcestershire.”

— A ghost

Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.

the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.