the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
