The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
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Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk