Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk

hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it

An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.

We’re over here teaching our kids math and history when what we really need to be teaching them is how to open a package or box of food without mangling it beyond recognition.

Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time

Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges

If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.

I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.

I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.

Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport

Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.

Me: *they’re.

WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick

ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.

bout dat hot dog summer

Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.

yeah no that’s fair

You got this…

me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?

therapist: no i totally get it

Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.

Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.

The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.

[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.

Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.

Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.

[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then

I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”

My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle

Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??

I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.

If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork

Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.

I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.

Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*

Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.