Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.

Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.

#lunchpun

What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.

I also stopped visiting a friend of mine because he had a snake. The last time I visited him, I asked him where his snake was because it wasn’t in its cage and he told me he didn’t know but it’s somewhere around the house. 😭 I left immediately.

I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move

Clubbing in my 20s:

Spills beer *everywhere*

Clubbing in my 40s:

Everywhere is so sticky!?

“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”

*talking to a baby*

Me: Can you say ‘dog’

Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’

ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses

*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!

So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?

It’s not like I knew my fly was open!

I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her

I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.

I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.

German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”

superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?

batman:

superman:

batman:

superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?

batman: yep

Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”

I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.

4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.

There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me

this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great

Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:

1) Breakfast

2) Breakfurious

Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..

Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”

“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer

Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.

were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal

Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by all

Me:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes

Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.

Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind