The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
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Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
ME: Colman Domingo would make a great Hermes in the Hadestown movie
GUY WHO I’M TRAPPED IN A CAVE WITH: cool but I meant ideas about how we get out of this cave
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
Would you eat from the Hummus Truck?
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
Shout out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo