The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
I like to listen to the national anthems during the award ceremonies. I’m into country music.
Husband: *gently taps me on the shoulder before l’ve had my first cup of coffee*
Me:
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
School be like
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
