The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.
You Might Also Like
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
Plant care tips
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
This one takes the trophy 😭😭
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
new record!
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
My boyfriend is trying to teach me how to play dark souls right now and it feel like when your dad is trying to do your math homework with you while you cry at the kitchen table
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops