The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.
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Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Today is International “Hug Your Cat” day. Which means tomorrow is International “Band-aid and Neosporin” day.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
Honey I made you some hotdog water
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”