The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.
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People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good