Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”

That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.

Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?

Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him

Son: So he’s like 100 years old?

If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing

I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.

Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!

Rapunzel: … Why tho

Witch: I wanna climb the tower

Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here

Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you

Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link

I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like

[during a plane crash]

Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!

Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!

Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.

My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign

I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents

no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge

Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.

11yo son just walked by.

If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.

ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.

My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.

This meme is a joke but also life-changing advice if taken to heart

Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach

me: when is the last time you had a bath?

4: tomorrow

Once again not all heroes wear capes

*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”

Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.

Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.

#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..

All I’m saying is that big burgers should be fucking wider not taller

Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.

I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.

doctor: why do you think you need this medication?

me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome

When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.

The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.

Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.