Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shout out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo

Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”

I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color

why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down

[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”

My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass

My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.

-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.

Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]

no one:

me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me

I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.

Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.

God: please stop screaming.

Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!

God: you aren’t a ghost bear.

Polar Bear: are you sure?

God: that’s just how you look.

Polar Bear: oh. ok.

[Swan flies by]

God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!

Romeo: Juliet is the sun.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T

I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.

Years ago, my mate had his car broken into. Luckily they didn’t steal it and also didn’t take any of his CD’s. He has appalling taste in music and we told everyone they left him some CD’s out of pity..

me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds

I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.

dumbledore: you know what this spot needs

hogwarts gardener: rose bu-

dimbledore: a tree that kills students

hogwarts gardener: what

dumbledore: plant the death tree

In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed

My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”

Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.

How to have a good marriage:
1. Hold hands
2. Cuddle
3. Take out the trash like I have been telling you to do ALL DAY Craig

It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.

king: the gods are angry with us

advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano

king: how would that help

advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what

I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.

You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.

Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.

I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before

I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane

My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.

Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back

Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]