Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.

Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.

Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher

I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.

*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.

I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it

DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser

Friend: so drinks later?

Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.

Friend: after 5?

Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.

Friend: uh..k?

-LATER-

Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through

Lmfaoooooo

He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.

I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…

Bladder: better hurry up!

Back: woah, no sudden movements!

Foot: CRAMP!

Head: ouch, did we drink last night?

Neck: CRAMP!

Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!

Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…

You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.

*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not

Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…

COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.

Interviewer: Can you explain this 5-year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I didn’t have a job. Do you not know how resumes work?

I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.

the ADHD urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)

After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.

Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel

*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME

Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*

Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES

It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.

I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down

Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle

[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day

My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party

She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered

NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax

[5 minutes later]

me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad

Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class

titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee