The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
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Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
nude beaches are out, nude libraries are in
The party bus lobby must be so strong. You’re not allowed to ride in a car without a seatbelt, unless you’re drinking and dancing on a pole. What an incredible loophole.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Me sliding into hell like
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.