Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.

My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.

Me: And this is my house

Friend: What’s upstairs?

Me: Stairs don’t talk.

Needless to say…*

*mic drop

I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.

Are you stupid, sand? You could just lay here forever on this beautiful beach, but no, you have to try with all you’ve got, to come with me in my stupid f****ng car

My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.

Why are they called air marshals and not plane clothes policemen

I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.

No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here

Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind

God: you’re a coyote.

Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?

God: Heavenly Way.

Coyote: what about your first pets name?

God: Sprinkles : )

Coyote: awww last four of your social?

God: 0001, why?

Coyote: no reason.

[later]

Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.

I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.

Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.

*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?

Me in tagged photos

I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.

A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?

Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?

Women are from Venus, men are wrong.

Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.

friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?

wife: we think it’s-

me: snakes. we think it’s snakes

“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”

mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?

-my 7 year old making the best of her public education

Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.

No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.

On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.

me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside

I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.

[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff

GEICO: customer service, how can we help?

ME: I’ve been in a car accident

GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?

ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?