The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
6 YEAR OLD: how hard do you have to punch someone in the butt to make it fall off?
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
My husband can remember the college a football player went to, what year he was drafted, the number he was picked in the draft, and his height, but can’t remember a certain neighbor’s name no matter how many times I tell him it.
Me when my alarm goes off
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
