The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
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let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Walmart is crazy like why did I have a polite conversation with a stranger about mustard
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
Told my kids I’m gonna be a toilet for Halloween cause of all the shit I take from them.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school.
Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.