Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.

My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…

Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel

Her: That’s so sweet, I-

Green Day is overrated

Her:

I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.

“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan

My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.

People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout

Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?

Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.

So apparently if they ask “do you trust me?”…. replying with “well I trust you to be you” is the incorrect response

My phone is so dry I haven’t even gotten a text from a politician

sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means

My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.

My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.

Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M

Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.

Wife: I think the washer went out

Me: What time will it be back?

Wife: Please get my suitcase

Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.

Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.

I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦

(Playing an online game with my My 10yr old where you get a theme and decade to recreate)
10: Okay, you got Hollywood annnd the 1950s.
Me: Fun! I love that.
10: You were alive then, right?
Me: This isn’t fun anymore. 😂

Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]

my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides

a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials

To the Audi hogging the road:

Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!

Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…

Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.

Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂

Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight

Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”

I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.