The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
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Just a small bowl of cereal to take the edge off.
*grabs mixing bowl*
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Bear knowledge
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
I’m in New Orleans for the weekend. It must be tough to be a drunk in this city, I’ve yet to encounter a level sidewalk
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.