Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years

My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.

She danced her way into his heart.

-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.

There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.

A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.

chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again

jesus: ok yes

Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.

I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.

That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.

quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job

If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.

I asked my mom what she was doing and she said oh just watching trail cam footage and I asked of what? And she said, of a man stealing a trail cam.

Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.

Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?

Five Guys CEO: you heard me

Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.

[Office meeting]

*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen up

Boss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall

All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.

People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.

I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.

I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.

No YOU’VE been drinking.

So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh

In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.

crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators

me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn

Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.

Normal stickers: I peel off easy.

Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.

I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.

*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*

Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.