the noise i just made
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Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
I’m getting into the smashed penny business. I stand near the machine and sell parents 2 quarters and a penny for 5 dollars.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
chat should i buy a house or 1 sabrina carpenter ticket?
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”