the noise i just made
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A coworker just said she couldn’t change the printer ink because she’s very sensitive to electrodes(?) and didn’t have the right crystals to counteract(??)
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
In-person meetings at the office are a wonderful way to help your developers take a break from being productive
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Please don’t buy my book on reverse psychology.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*