the noise i just made
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[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
when i’m president, i will add an additional hour between 6 and 7pm
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me: I want you to do some chores.
8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.
Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
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The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.