Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend invited us to a party at her country club and for some reason I assumed was a pool party so my whole family showed up in bathing suits and guess what it was NOT a pool party but it was a fancy country club party where everyone was dressed up

Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road

(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)

Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?

(walks out)

Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks

Larry (a garden gnome):

Me: oh my god you’re so handsome

heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.

Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.

*moves to Fiji*

Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.

I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.

[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-

[David Attenborough watching me trying to chase down an ice cream truck in my flip flops] Astounding

doctor: you need a knee replacement

me: great i would like slinkies

Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)

If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?

[at the gym]

Friend: This sauna is way too hot!

Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?

*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*

8: What’s this music?

Me: The Ramones, do you like it?

8: No, it sounds too easy to do.

Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?

Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.

do horses think humans are hats

Just grow your own

When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house

wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too

john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?

Me: *trying to sleep*

Gf: Babe?

Me: Hmm?

Her: Why will she be riding six white horses when she comes?

remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me

*fooling around with husband*

Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?

Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!

My wife asked me, “How do I look?”

I said, “With your eyes.”

I almost lost mine.

Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.

Husband: It just happened.

Me: But it was in the past.

Husband: It was five minutes ago.

Me: In. The. Past.

Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:

Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups

breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.