[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
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If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
She puts the hot in psychotic
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
i smell a pulitzer
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.