The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
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[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
I once drove a girl home from the pub and she spent the entire time messing with my car radio and changing the music then she said we should hang out sometime and I said “absolutely not”
why is john fetterman calling brian williams from the blair witch corner
There’s a scientist with the same name as me, so whenever I Google myself, the results are like:
“Our Top Ten Dad Jokes!”
“Neat Sci-Fi Story!”
“High CO2 and the geochemistry of the coralline algae Lithothamnion glaciale”
“Fire Dept Saves Man With Head Stuck In Chicken Bucket”
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
wiping my hands on my pants before i shaking someone’s hand so they spend the rest of the day wondering what i just touched
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder