The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
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A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
This is amazing.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
A fun thing for an author to do would be to have the last line of the book be something like “he said, in his Jamaican accent, which he’d had this whole time.” Make the audiobook narrator have to start the whole thing over.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
The future is now.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
