The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
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some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
thought i lost my wallet today but then i found it. free endorphin booster if you’re stupid enough
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol