Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.

12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.

2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.

4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.

6am: If I FML

There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.

Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.

My grandfather poured his blood, sweat and tears into his career.

Amazing man. Horrible chef.

on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours

Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.

Boss: you look a bit lost

Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you

Boss: About what

Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening

townsfolk: you should come to the festival

me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?

townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?

me: oh i’m going regardless

Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.

Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds

Alien: we are here to enslave you

Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?

Alien: I SAID..

Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it

Nobody:

Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD

Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy

10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.

Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!

Band: *plays Freebird*

Me: Well that backfired.

I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.

I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.

Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?

Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.

Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.

Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.

Me: seriously not a cult.

Dad: what do you call all those people?

Me:

Mom:

Dad:

Me: my followers.

The battle for ownership of the recliner between me & elder dog is becoming a blood match. Should I all of a sudden stop tweeting just know that I fought bravely.

They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.

Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?

I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.

Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.

a house without a chimney should be called a nouse

Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.

nurse: she’s dead

me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE

nurse: what-

me: shhhhh

patient: [faintly] ba ba ba

me: nope

Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair

me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*

Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!