Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: How did the interrogation go?

Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.

Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.

jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale

Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.

I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.

The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.

I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.

The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…

You call it Witness Protection, I call it Hide and Seek.

Person: Are you on the conference call?

Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?

I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.

Ooh I do like a good funnel

Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.

superman landing like a plane on his belly

The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk

my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps

I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.

wise man 1:

wise man 2:

wise man 3:

me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts

wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—

me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??

The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”

How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”

*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?

of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare

Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.

Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.

This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”

“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”

Timmy: stupid?

“Exactly”

I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.

I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.

Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.

the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature

“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch

“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?

Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.