The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
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Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
Text messages from my mum read like they are from a hit man.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out