The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
You Might Also Like
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
do what now??
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
I use the tempura karate technique. For when you only want to lightly batter your opponent.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
I wish I was as confident as my 15 yo who says he showered even though he smells like onions and rotten taco bell.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
girls literally only want one thing..
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!