The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
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Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Petition to change the name of rice cakes to something else as they are 100% rice and 0% cake and I’m tired of all the gaslighting
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before