The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
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Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.