The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
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in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.