Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.

I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”

That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.

Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray

Dermatologist: you really need some sun

in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there

Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…

Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.

My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”

Don’t you want this to be easier for you?

-Gangster – level 3

cop: you’re under arrest

me: you’re under arrest

cop: what

me: get in the car

cop: yours or mine

me: yours

The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.

i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it

If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.

[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there

I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.

Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs

Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.

the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day

Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.

if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business

Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Informant: why?

Me: for spilling the beans

Informant: I didn’t-

Me: shut your fern gully

Informant: what

Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy

Informant: ok now you’re making these up

Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur

ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
　 O
　 　 　 O
　　 　　 o
　　　　　o
　　　　　 o
　　　　　o
　　　　 。
　　　 。
　　　.
　　　.
　　　 .
　　　　.
.

UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please

Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.

We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.

50 shades of grey = my Liver

Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.

Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.

“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.