Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.

We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.

The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.

The concept of warding off vampires with crosses is so interesting to me. I wonder if it applies to any other religion or if they’re allergic to just catholicism

I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.

When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings

Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.

Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.

I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.

10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat

I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…

…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.

i tried to clean up my chrome tabs but it turns out all 200 of them contain information that is vital for my survival

6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?

[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]

ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day

[group therapy]

me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?

voldemort: uhh no

joker: yikes

darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you

I have a video appointment with my doctor.

I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.

I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.

Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye

Countries whose names are lies:

• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom

Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.

Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl

Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.

It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children

🤝

Same post same

You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.

Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.

How To Be A Parent

Step 1: have a child

Step 2: your guess is as good as mine

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– you were in the corner
– in the spotlight
– losing your religion

when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves

Always…