The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
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an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down