Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.

I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.

Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.

CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE

My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?

I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.

If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?

“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager

Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream

Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too

i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS

Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.

Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!

[god creating elephant]

“overfeed that aardvark”

My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.

My husband: Get used to it kid.

Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.

nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”

Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019

Choose your fighter!

Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.

the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear

Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.

ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: ready

ME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet

love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.

Vampire: I can bite you…

Me: Sweet!

Vampire: … and give you eternal life!

Me: Stop threatening me!

My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.

He told me I was too pretty not to smile.

So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.

Now I’m smiling.

I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”

“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”

Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.

Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.