The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
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Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
[on my deathbed]
“Grandchildren…great-grandchildren. I want to give you the best advice I can offer from a life well-lived. Don’t read the comments.”
*dies*
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Being a parent:
Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing away Anything, Ever. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican druglord ….
Hahahahahahahaah.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.