Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you

Husband: well you’re here with me

Me: oh yeah

Husband: and we’re at a funeral

Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.

After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”

This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.

My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?

“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.

Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.

[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY

Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets

9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.

COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38

I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours

(Person choking)

Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?

Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.

Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that

No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.

I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.

A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).

I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.

The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.

No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW

If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.

I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.

Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either

D was probably like “lmao ok” when they named the alphabet the ABCs

Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way

I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.

I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.

I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door

A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:

“That’s a bit of a blow”