Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking

You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.

If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.

Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?

Me: No, it’s for me.

Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.

To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.

Required: An app that turns the page of the calendar that’s on the wall.

astronaut: houston come in

houston: this had better be important

astronaut: it’s urgent

houston: fine what

astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float

I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life

“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]

*first time at a Michelin restaurant*

Me: “One order of tires, please.”

(Arrives at Topgolf bay for date night)

Wife: have you registered here before?

Matrix: idk, put my email in.

(“Osama bin Golfin” pops up on the screen)

I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.

When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”

Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”

i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience

Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink

I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.

British people this week:

“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”

[using a dust pan for the first time]

Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked

the British: we demand to be taken seriously

also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook

William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.

Me: (throwing up in toilet)

6: (pulls my hair out of my face)

Me: *aw she cares about me*

6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?

Had to try this trend 😊

Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.

It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”

him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?

Me: Can you get the things you want to take to Manchester?
8yo: *Goes to her room and returns with seven books*

Want proof advertising works?

I just bought a Goodyear blimp.

son: school just got canceled

me: oh shit what did it do

Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]

Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]