The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
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I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Caught my daughter eating 6 mini cupcakes and I should probably ground her but if you think about it it’s really like 2 cupcakes so I’m fine with it.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)